Sunday, April 27, 2008

Weekend Subway Shutdown Ruins Hook-ups

Midnight on Friday April 25, 2008, public transportation shut down, inconveniencing hundreds of suburbanites drinking in Toronto’s downtown core, and putting an end to reportedly dozens of one night stands.

“I totally had this trashed chick convinced I was Ben Affleck’s other brother,” says Steven Holloway of Oakville, “And then she hears the subway’s closed and she has to go.” He shakes his head, and continues. “I never thought I’d get cock-blocked by the TTC.”

The same story is told all across the downtown core. An estimated 83% decrease in drunken, meaningless promiscuity occurred in the entertainment district alone. Early reports indicate that College Street suffered a less drastic decline, while the crowd at the Drake and the Gladstone seemed remarkably unconcerned. "Subway? EW!" offered 43 year old, Brampton school teacher Shawna Miles, who gave her age as 25.

But it wasn’t only dance club pickups that were effected. Booty calls across the city had to be canceled at the last minute as the horny suddenly found themselves unable to travel to the desperate. This is a phenomenon known as a Breakdown in the Booty Call Process Chain, and is well understood by Arborculturalists, who are often horny and desperate.

Surprisingly, some were able to turn a negative into a positive. Giving lifts, sharing cabs, and walking her home were three ways the surprise strike actually helped to close the deal. One such quick thinker was Patrick Varney, of Oshawa. “I had a cab when I saw this stunner, obviously drunk and primed to pump, come out of the club. So I offered to share it with her. By the time we got to her place her panties were in my breast pocket. And this chick had been partying with Ben Affleck’s other brother.” Mr. Varney’s only regret was in leaving his wallet and all of its contents with the cab driver.

Most men weren’t so lucky, and spent hours making their way home to beat their baby yoghurt into an old sock and go to sleep.

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