If I had to pick, I think I'd have to be Samantha; Chuck Berry's only number one hit single

When did the "Sex and the City" movie become the defining moment for feminism?

I know, I know, some people in the U.S. Democratic primaries listed 'gender' as the main factor in voting against Hillary. But, you know, in that vote you're either sexist or racist, pick your poison. On the hierarchy of things you don't want to be in the U.S., I think sexist is slightly more acceptable than racist. At the end of the day, it comes down to who's more riot prone. Every time black Americans get really upset, something's gonna burn. Every time American women get upset, the shelves of Winners gets picked clean.

That was a joke.

But it was a joke that might lead you to expect my reaction to the "Sex and the City" movie, which is a shrug of the shoulders and a quote from Chuck Berry, "You live how you wanna live!" (My Ding-A-Ling, Chuck Berry, Composer: D. Bartholomew, Album: The London Chuck Berry Recordings, Released 1972, Trivia: Chuck Berry's only number 1 hit) Which is the most profound thing I every heard him say. The second most profound being, "Santa, make him hurry, tell him he can take the freeway down." (Run, Run Rudolph, Chuck Berry, Composer: M. Marks & J. Brody, 45 single, Released: 1952, Trivia: One of the first songs to use the word 'freeway.')

The problem is that to some people, the measure of your passion for Sex and the City is inversely related to your bias against women. As if they took the outdated feminist battle cry "the personal is the political" and applied it to our desert island movie list. Because I didn't see The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, I hate all 13 year old girls? I doubt many of the women lining up to see Sex and the City would dream of setting foot in the Iron Man screening, next door. What does that mean for the presidential ambitions of technologically unrealistic battle armour?

It comes down to this. People who like the show will watch the movie. People who didn't watch the show, won't. I don't think too many people have said, "I wonder what this whole Star Trek hoopla is about, I think I'll check out Star Trek 8." No, I think by the time a series has been on the air for a number of years, very few people are still on the fence about it. I'm sure there are some people, male and female, who have refused to give it a chance, but most people I know watched at least two or three episodes and have a pretty good idea if a 2 and a half hour version is for them.

It's a shame that there are actual cases of sexism, racism, classism, homophobia... ism, whateverisms out there. Do we really have to politicize a popcorn movie to this extent? And you what, its okay if you like it and I don't.

I'll even take it one step further. Just because you bought your tickets a week before it opened and have asked every girl you've ever hung out with to go with you doesn't necessarily make you a shallow, proto-lesbian, image obsessed, daddy complex holding, prick teasing, fascistic, femistista who complains about the glass ceiling while showing off the size of her engagement ring.

There. Isn't that big of me?

Have You Hugged Your Writer Today?

I talked about the flipside a little, which really is more interesting, but today I want to talk about the rare moments of recognition. And I’m not talking about awards - fuck awards. There’s always politics involved with awards. And worse, by definition they exclude those who are honoured just to be nominated.

But those moments when someone has read something that dropped, bloody and wailing, from some forgotten recess of your mind, and then actually had something nice to say. Not polite. But actually sincere and heartfelt.

That’s a high that never fades. It’ s worse than heroin. At least with heroin you can nail shut the door and then they make a movie about it with a cool sound track.

Wow, am I a downer or what? Here I am, trying to make a nice little post about feeling proud of a an accomplishment, and I go right to the horrors of drug addiction.

Um… did you like it?

Please, do Not Enjoy the Ass

I had what I consider a quintessential Toronto moment the other day.
There’ s a tiny sex shop a Queen Street West, called the Condom Shack, which seems to somehow make its money from giggling, window shopping, teenaged tourists. Today, there were three twelve year old girls giggling at the flavoured condoms.

Now, in most other cities they’d be left alone, maybe acknowledged with an urbane roll of the eyes, but not in Toronto. In Toronto they have to be “educated.”

“Are you looking at the Japanese condoms?” the sales girl asks. The three teeny boppers clearly have no idea which condoms are the Japanese ones, nor how they should explain this to the very knowledgeable staff. Who continues, “They are twice as strong as our condoms, with a 12 percent increase in lateral elasticity.” The girls try to process this, but are having difficulty getting past the fact the condom’s flavour is marked as ‘tuna belly.’

I was distracted by a life sized, perfect replica of a woman’s lower two holes. It was accompanied by a sign reading. “Please do not touch the ass.” The message was clear, this is an expensive piece of sexual equipment and not a source of amusement. It is not meant to be enjoyed, unless by a government certified pervert. Application forms available from the government of Canada website.

Remember, this is a province (run by Toronto) in which, until very recently, you had to fill out a form in a jail like bunker to buy government approved alcohol.

As we left, the sales woman was explaining “The Keeper” to the increasingly uncomfortable young girls. “It’s not a tampon. It’s smaller and you don’t insert it as far. It is a cup and it collects the... uh... menstruated liquid and you remove it, empty it and reinsert.”

Toronto: Sucking the life out of fun since the 18th Century.

There will be Boobies! Keep reading...

Here's a word to web people trying to sell to the kids.

Lay off the emoticons.

I'll admit to using smilely faces often enough. :) Occasionally I'll use a winky face - ;). And I do think that some of the things people do with the letters are imaginative, like this one which is supposed to mean, 'I am the Walrus" (:3=

Here's my point - there's no need for you to program in all kinds of functions and graphics which stand in for something someone can just type. And there's also need need for you to transform what I type to whatever you think it is. When I use a smiley face, I want it to stay as text - I don't want it to turn into something that could turn up in the next Forest Gump movie.

I can't tell you the sinking feeling I get when the smiley face I just typed starts to come alive, slowly twisting its head sideways like some mutating alien that has taken over my cat. It turns yellow, grows a head, and becomes some otherwordly thing - taunting me from the place I had used to actually type something meaningful. I didn't ask it to that. And it certainly didn't ask me.

And then there's those flashing banners which promise millions of 'em, available for download! Yay! People will finally be able to tell when I'm being sarcastic!

Just stop it. Yes, I know some people use them. But we don't go hanging 'paint by numbers' canvases in museums, do we?

If people don't have a list of predetermined emotions to choose from, maybe then it might be one small step towards people actually having to think for themselves. You may have noticed that there's no standard, yellow smiley face emoticon for "The consumer capitalist corporate system is stealing my soul."

Don't let 'em tell you how to feel.

And now, as a reward to my long time readers, I present you with some boobies. Enjoy the boobies!



(.)(.)


Nice, huh? ;)

Just like old people...

I spend a lot of time staring into space.

Writers should not be allowed driver's licenses.

Two questions

Office politics.

I think many people have a visceral reaction to that phrase. I'm sure there are some people who love it, but I can't say I know any of them.

What makes me clench up when I hear it is that it all boils down to this - Don't be emotional, or in the slightest way impulsive. Be a good machine, a good cog in the wheel. React in the way that's expected. When it comes to work relationships, it would be best if you didn't even think - just adopt all the preprogrammed responses.

It drives me nuts.

I read somewhere the other day that the biggest problem with new hires is the time it takes them to adapt to the corporate environment. Look at the buzz words in that sentence, but what does it mean? It takes time to be programmed into the proper responses in a new job.

And that whole attitude of, "I wouldn't want my banker to be wearing a sweat suit." Huh? Would you rather a guy in a suit lose your money, or a guy that looks like a slob make you more?

I know I'm not breaking new ground by complaining about shallow attitudes in corporate workplaces, and middle class jobs. And I'm not going to take up all of your time by whining about it. But I do want to ask one simple question...

Is it honest?

Okay, two questions...

Is it healthy?

What's Manderin for 'Plausable Deniability?'

Seen on a sign at Markham's Pacific Mall...

"Buy TV DVD's Here! Ours are copied straight from the original!"