Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Celebrity Pink; The Ultimate He Said/She Said Comeback

Yesterday, for the first time, I watched some celebrity sex tapes.

What's that? Too much information? Well, dear gentle prudish readers, it has come to my attention that you consider me something of an intellectual god; an Albert Einstein of Blogger. And while, yes, when I die my brain will be passed from hand to admiring hand, I suck at math, so I don't know where you're getting this Einstein thing. But I am writing this post so that you realize just how like you I actually am.

I, like many of you, have watched Pam Anderson fondle Tommy Lee's ginormous crotch snake.

Sure, I'm about ten years behind in my celebrity sex tape watching. But the internet was kind enough to provide for my downloading pleasure something of a retrospective of the genre, with carefully chosen selections ranging from Pam and Tommy to Paris to people I am assured others have heard about. As a side note, it kinda dampens the thrill of celebrity sex tapes when you have no idea who the person is.

And so, I settled in with some popcorn and my girl for some film appreciation. I considered cutting a carefully positioned hole at the bottom of the bag, but I figured hot, buttered popcorn might just burn my sensitive areas. Having once suffered through a burn left my a carelessly positioned laptop, I decided in terms of safety. Plus, I wanted to eat the popcorn, too, and that wold be a little weird, n'est pas?

Anyway, back to the sex tapes. I appreciated the unadorned cinema verite of the earlier ones. Watching Pam and Tommy on their honeymoon, I quickly started to feel like they were trying too hard, what with filming themselves just driving around in cars and boats, and then spending a lot of time assuring each other that they were attractive. That is, between Pam's use of what seems to be her catch phrase, "Where are we?" Like I said, this is an early one, and I think later imitators caught on to the fact that the sex tape viewing public is more interested in celebrity sex and less interested in celebrity using their penis to sound the boat's horn.

As we continued to watch, I kept secretly hoping that that male celebrities would finish in a less than porn actor time frame, and that they'd quickly roll over and say, "Sorry babe, I gotta be up early." And go to sleep. I pictured myself turning to my girl and saying, "See?" I'm sorry to report, gentlemen, that they did not. Ladies, you can continue to deliver scathing one liners like, "I bet Colin Farrell never has to get up early." And it seems like you would be right. It also seems he's got very little to do in the afternoon, too. But guys, you can now safely answer, "Yeah, and he lives in the messiest, filthiest house you're ever seen. So pick your poison, sweetheart." Now you've got them on the ropes.

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